Tremendous news, everyone! There is a good chance that right at this very moment, Kim Jong-un— you know, the leader of North Korea — holds in his powerful hands President Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal.
Yep. In a series of completely comforting and not at all stressful events, retired professional basketball player Dennis Rodman — who has appeared on Trump’s reality show, The Celebrity Apprentice several times — decided it would be wise to present the leader with the U.S. president’s greatest keys to success.
On Thursday, Rodman met with North Korea Sports Minister Kim Il Guk in Pyongyang and gave him several truly epic gifts to deliver to the hermit country’s leader, including two autographed basketball jerseys, some soap sets, a mermaid jigsaw, a copy of Where’s Waldo?, and Trump’s 1987 literary legacy.
Totally normal. Nothing to see here. LOL just kidding.
Rodman’s literary recommendation begs many questions, but one of the most urgent is: What exactly will Kim learn from The Art of the Deal?
Will he walk away with some freaking sick business tactics that could be used to outsmart Trump himself? Learn how to master the most aggressive handshake on planet Earth? Perhaps how to successfully negotiate in a windy setting when your tie is taped to your shirt?
Maybe, but here are nine of the most important things Trump’s book will teach Kim:
You can’t fool people forever, or at all
Kim will soon learn that you can’t con people. Wait. Maybe you can? But not for long … you must deliver those goods.
“You can’t con people, at least not for long. If you don’t deliver the goods, people will eventually catch on.” – The Art of The Deal
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 10, 2012
Think big or just shut your brain off entirely
Trump likes to think big, but remember, thinking big may not be costly, but it does require focus.
“I like thinking big. To me it’s very simple: if you’re going to be thinking anyway, you might as well think big.” – The Art of The Deal
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 6, 2012
“It doesn’t cost any money to think bigger.” — The Art of the Deal
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 16, 2011
“One of the keys to thinking big is total focus.” – THE ART OF THE DEAL
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 29, 2012
All you need is leverage
If Kim thought all you need is LOVE, he is a fool. Everyone knows all you need is leverage. Gosh.
“Leverage: don’t make deals without it.” – The Art of the Deal
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 18, 2013
“The best thing you can do is deal from strength, and leverage is the biggest strength you have.” – THE ART OF THE DEAL
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 27, 2012
The art of the location is irrelevant
Feel free to meet in a McDonald’s as long as the deal is the best.
You don’t necessarily need the best location. What you need is the best deal. — The Art of the Deal
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 20, 2014
Never come off as desperate
Also, for good measure, expect everything to be horrible at all times.
“The worst thing you can possibly do in a deal is seem desperate to make it.” – The Art of The Deal.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 25, 2013
“If you plan for the worst – if you can live with the worst – the good will always take care of itself.” – The Art of the Deal
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 5, 2013
Consider yoga because you must be flexible
Ideas are no places for Stage 5 clingers. Keep it loose, keep it chill. Protect yourself.
“I also protect myself by being flexible. I never get too attached to one deal or one approach.” – The Art of The Deal
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 18, 2012
Taking care of things is better than not taking care of things
“Well-maintained real estate is always going to be worth a lot more than poorly maintained real estate.” — The Art of the Deal
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 31, 2013
Life is fragile AF
And if you’re successful? Oh boy your life is even more delicate.
“Life is very fragile, and success doesn’t change that. If anything, success makes it more fragile.” —The Art of the Deal
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 1, 2012
Defeat is not an option
“Never ever quit, never give up” – Donald J. Trump, The Art of the Deal.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 10, 2012
Well. It seems like once Kim learns Trump’s absolute best business tactics his life will be deeply enriched. But is this a good thing? We’re not sure Trump would think so.
Though the president has remained silent on Twitter about Rodman for the past few years, in 2013 and 2014 Trump shared a few scathing words about the former NBA player and his relationship with North Korea, which he has visited several times before.
The only American who has met with the North Korean man child is Dennis Rodman. Isn’t that frightening and sad?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 12, 2013
Crazy Dennis Rodman is saying I wanted to go to North Korea with him. Never discussed, no interest, last place on Earth I want to go to.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 8, 2014
Dennis Rodman was either drunk or on drugs (delusional) when he said I wanted to go to North Korea with him. Glad I fired him on Apprentice!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 8, 2014
Sounds like there’s been some bad blood between Trump and Rodman, so was this an innocently generous move on Rodman’s part or an underhanded mind game?
~ Everything is fine. ~