Lordy, seagull, priest — what a day it’s been.
On Thursday former FBI Director James Comey took the hot seat to testify to the Senate Intelligence Committee about his interactions with President Trump. And somehow, someway, the hearing resulted in a bunch of stellar new catchphrases the world can now use to respond to most every situation imaginable.
Here are some of the finest Comey quotes— words so terrific they will not only help get you through this day, but help you keep your cool as we watch this political madness unfold.
“Confused and concerned”
Whether it’s his desire to speak one-on-one or his obsession with the word “loyalty,” America learned that Donald Trump has confused and concerned Comey on more than one occasion.
Comey is frequently confused and also concerned
— John Podhoretz (@jpodhoretz) June 8, 2017
Comey recalled when he learned he’d been fired, saying “the shifting explanations” “confused” and increasingly concerned” him. Then, later in his testimony, the former FBI director explained the attorney general directed him not to call the Russia investigation “an investigation, but instead to call it a matter…” Comey said this “confused me and concerned me.”
“One of the bricks in the load…”
Comey described the attorney general’s directions to call the investigation a “matter” as “one of the bricks in the load that led me to conclude: I have to step away from the department if we’re to close this case credibly.”
We’re definitely gonna use that one in the future, Comey.
“I was honestly concerned he might lie.”
After Comey’s initial meeting with Trump, he began keeping a written record. When asked why he took these extra, non-conventional actions, Comey explained it was a combination of things, including “the nature of the person.”
Comey said the “very nature” of Trump concerned him so much after his first meeting that he thought he might lie straight away.
— Shaun King (@ShaunKing) June 8, 2017
“I was honestly concerned that he might lie about the nature of our meeting, and so I thought it really important to document.”
“Those were lies, plain and simple.”
Comey got a bit emotional when calling out President Trump’s comments to defame the FBI as lies. “I am so sorry that the FBI workforce had to hear them and I’m so sorry that the American people were told them,” he said.
Next time someone’s clearly not keeping it 💯 , we all know the best way to fire back.
“Lordy I hope there are tapes.”
When recalling a time when Trump allegedly advised him to “let go” of his agency’s investigation of former United States National Security Advisor Mike Flynn, Comey referenced an infamous Trump tweet that suggested Comey better hope there are no “tapes” of their conversations.
To this, the former FBI Director said “Look, I’ve seen the tweet about tapes. Lordy, I hope there are tapes.”
And in this moment, Comey spoke for all of America.
“There should be no fuzz on this whatsoever.”
It’s crystal clear, okay?? “The Russians interfered in our election during the 2016 cycle,” Comey said. Ain’t no fuzz on it. No fuzz at all.
“I worried it was like feeding seagulls at the beach.”
Yeah, that happened — Comey compared the media to hungry seagulls at a beach.
Comey told Congress he shared a memo detailing a meeting with Trump with a friend in hopes the friend would then give the memo to the press. But Comey didn’t do it himself, because the media is essentially the equivalent of vicious seagulls at the beach fighting for the next scoop.
“Feeding seagulls at the beach.” James Comey is a fuckin’ kickass narrative writer and speaker.
— Terrell J. Starr (@Russian_Starr) June 8, 2017
Wonder if Trump will use this analogy in the future?
“In retrospect I love my wife I would rather have been at dinner with her.”
At the hearing, Comey also revealed he had to regretfully cancel date night with his wife to attend that infamous Trump “loyalty” dinner. *GASP*
This epic catchphrase will follow Comey for the rest of his life, serving as an important reminder that we too must choose dinner with our loved ones and not people who will fire us.
“Who will rid me of this meddlesome priest?”
Talk about a serious moment, dude.
When Comey was questioned about how he interpreted what President Trump said about letting Flynn go during a one-on-one dinner in February, Comey replied, “…It kind of rings in my ears as, ‘Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?'”
“I was just going to quote that,” Sen. Angus King responded, referring to the famous words that Henry II, king of England, said in 1170.
“My feelings aren’t hurt.”
Heads up, Trump. You can’t knock Comey. His feelings won’t be hurt even if tapes were recorded without his knowledge. “The president surely knows whether he taped me and if he did my feelings aren’t hurt,” Comey assured the world.
“We are a functioning adult democracy.”
Okay, but are we really, Comey? Still, this is a good catchphrase to whip out the next time an unexpectedly wonky political moment occurs.
“I’m between opportunities right now.”
Heads up, everyone. Comey is up for hire. The former FBI director kept things light towards the end of his hearing, joking with people that he’s not tied down to any job at the moment … you know, because the president fired him.
Ha ha ha, thanks for keeping a smile on our faces, Comey.